The Environmental Protection Agency reports that amounts of radiation found in the water on the East and West Coasts of the U.S. coming from Japan could actually be beneficial. Unfortunately, since budget cuts have reduced the staff of the EPA to three graduate students and a retired tobacco CEO, this is merely a "best guess" scenario. On their recommendation, however, President Obama vows to redouble efforts to increase the number of nuclear power plants under construction. Asked for comment, John Boehner responded, "Jobs, jobs, jobs."
The Central Intelligence Agency is searching for some sleazoid to put in power in Libya after Gaddafi goes into exile. While there are no apparent hard and fast requirements, the candidate should pretend to like the United States, and if not an all-out supporter of capitalism, at least be willing to accept large amounts of cash.
Representative Eric Cantor admits to failing his required college government course repeatedly. "I don't know what it was about U.S. Government," he confided, "probably all those complicated checks and balances." He confirmed in a news conference yesterday that he has been using John Boehner's old cheatsheets as guidelines for determining House rules.
Also, in a remarkably cynical turn of events, President Barack Obama has announced that he will run in 2012 as a Republican. "It seems that I only get respect from folk like Mitch McConnell and John Cornyn. I try to explain to those people on the left that voted for me in '08 that it's all about compromise, well, let this just be proof of that. There is no greater compromise than complete surrender," he said to new friend Bill O'Reilly.
In local South Carolina news on this April 1:
An audit of Governor Nikki Haley concluded that Governor Haley has in fact paid all federal taxes that were due.
And The Lord came to Senator Jim DeMint today, explaining that in fact, it is His will that those who have should help those with less.