Dick Cheney comes out from under his rock for all special occasions.
|Even creepier when he's happy.|
|Vader gets angry when mistaken for Cheney.|
How do I know that? Because just one day earlier, he was pissed off at Edward Snowden and called him a traitor, adding that spying is just what the NSA does.
The good news/bad news is that Canada is still trying to arrest him for war crimes but he keeps giving them the slip. Have no fear; if they get him he will no doubt still be out in time for next Halloween.
Antonin Scalia will be in the scariest costume he can find:
|Likes to steal treats from little kids.|
Was it just last year that Scalia brought forth his apparent childhood neurosis when he compared the health care mandate to forcing people to buy broccoli? Antonin does tend to wear his heart on his sleeve, but with such a big sleeve it's often hard to see. To say he's fearful, of broccoli, of gays getting married, of black people voting would be nothing compared to what he feels about the devil.
Scalia recently talked about his disappointment in the devil, that he is not around so much lately, and then confessed, in whispered tones that that is because he "got wilier." He reminisced about the days when the devil (which he pronounces with a capital "D") would get pigs to run off cliffs, possess people "and whatnot."
He hopes next year to find a costume that gives proper credit to the devil, like perhaps a Supreme Court robe in red.
Ted Cruz of the scary state of Texas is the most recent addition to the Halloween Halls of Horror:
|Pretends to look silly.|
Cruz dresses for Halloween in his usual. He wears silly expressions and tries to act nice so that people won't see what he's up to. He also was born in Canada, in an attempt to get us to let our guard down by thinking he's ineligible to run for President. He likes to talk -- for hours -- about his worries about our health care, but he gets confused, like thinking that the reason England has universal health care is because of Hitler.
Jon Stewart later givers a reading of The Bore-Ax.
And he enjoys reading Dr. Seuss, but doesn't get that Sam I Am actually tried Green Eggs and Ham and discovered that he liked them.
Yes that dopey well-meaning look is really the best disguise of them all. Because Ted Cruz opposes Obamacare, women's reproductive freedom, food stamps, and I believe small children in general. But who would know?
So this year, in spite of the Red Sox being off the streets sleeping off their hangovers, there will be some truly scary stuff happening. And the only thing to do if you see any of these characters in your neighborhood is to give them ALL your candy. And your health insurance.